Growing up, I recall spending holidays with family, extended family and friends.  Often the same extended family members (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) and the same long-time family friends are invited and spent the holidays with us every year.  What happens to the dynamics of those gatherings, family traditions, and rituals when your parents split up? Many of the holidays we spend with and celebrate with family have religious significance and involve rituals and traditions that are passed down from generation to generation.  As Passover approaches and my family prepares for the gathering for our Seder, I’m recalling, as a child, enjoying massive Passover seders with my family and numerous reappearing guests.  When parents get divorced, one parent may think they are divorcing the entire extended family.  In my own divorce, I was lucky enough to maintain my relationships with my former mother-in-law, father-in-law and sisters-in law.  I’ve also been lucky enough to be invited each year to their annual Christmas and Easter gatherings (my ex-husband was not Jewish) which has also meant I’ve been able to maintain relationships and friendships with my in-laws’ friends with whom I spent many holidays and family events throughout our marriage.  Not all divorces end up this way, however.  I know I was one of the lucky ones.  In-laws have children who spent these same holidays with my children on a regular basis and other random get-togethers and sleepovers throughout each year. Family friends also have children with whom your children have interacted over the years.  Despite the parents’ separation or divorce, these children are still our children’s cousins and friends.

The long-term effects on children and families of not being in an intact family structure and not having regular interaction with both parents, grandparents, and extended family members can be significant. Strong family bonds and social connections have been associated with better physical and mental health. Lack of interaction with family members can contribute to increased stress, depression, and anxiety for both children and parents. Maintaining relationships with both sides of the family after divorce helps children feel connected, supported, and loved by all family members. It provides stability, a sense of belonging, and different perspectives (especially in a multi cultural family or a family of mixed religions), contributing to their emotional well-being and overall development.

Overall, the absence of intact family structures and limited interaction with extended family members can have long-term implications for children’s emotional well-being, social development, and overall quality of life. It impacts the importance of maintaining positive family relationships and providing support systems for children to thrive.

If you find yourself going through a divorce or separation, here are a few things to keep in mind:

• Encourage Communication: Foster open communication between both sides of the family, ensuring that children feel comfortable and supported when interacting with relatives from either parent’s side.  I frequently check in with my children to make sure they are emailing and texting or otherwise continuing to communicate with their cousins from my ex-husband’s side of the family.  They are close in age and therefore have a lot of common life experiences and issues (i.e. related to school, social lives, the stresses of applying for college, etc.)
• Plan Regular Visits: If it’s possible, and I know it may not be possible in your own situation, try to schedule regular visits or gatherings with extended family members to maintain connections and strengthen bonds. This could include holidays, birthdays, or other special occasions.
• Respect Boundaries: Respect each other’s boundaries and preferences when it comes to involving extended family members in the children’s lives. This can help prevent conflicts and ensure a positive experience for everyone involved.  I get it. You may be in a situation where your ex’s family does not want to maintain a relationship with you. Try to respect that and hope that and encourage your ex-spouse to nevertheless continue to involve your children in these family events and help your children maintain their relationships with extended family and friends.

1) Get a prenuptial Agreement;

2) Ensure accurate, timely bookkeeping. Keeping financial documents correct and current is a good business practice regardless of the circumstances, but during a divorce, everything comes under heightened scrutiny. Make sure all payments – especially cash – are recorded and expenses are categorized correctly. DO NOT update or change any business records during your divorce proceedings before judgment has been entered. Supporting documentation is necessary for a proper and accurate valuation of your business during a divorce. If it is a separate property business (i.e. started or acquired prior to the date of marriage or acquired as a result of an inheritance) you have a vested interest in ensuring that calculating the community’s interest in this business is accurate. Revere the paper trail!!

3) Maintain up-to-date accounts receivable. Your accounts receivable are an asset of your business, but during the normal course of business, it’s possible that you will end up writing off a portion. Every quarter, or on a timeline that works for your business, review your accounts receivable, collect on delinquent accounts, and determine which outstanding accounts will be written off and by what criteria. Excessive write-offs around the time of a divorce will raise a red flag to the other party’s attorney and appear suspect.

4) Avoid paying any personal expenses through your business. In some lines of business, meals and entertainment are expenses that are deducted from revenues or reimbursed by the business. During a divorce, questions can arise about whether these were legitimate business expenses or for a spouse’s personal benefit. The important thing is to be consistent. Avoid raising any red flags and heightened scrutiny by not co-mingling business and personal expenses and keeping documentation for business expenses. Revere the paper trail!!!

5) Did your spouse contribute to the business? Perhaps helped build the business? Had administrative or office-type duties? If the business grew as a direct result of your spouse’s involvement, it is likely that this will be taken into consideration. Compensate your spouse for their contributions. There are instances in small business ownership where one spouse draws a salary, while the other spouse makes contributions that go uncompensated. In similar instances that spouse has no other independent source of income or employment. During the marriage, the spouses may view this uncompensated work as for the greater good of the business. Feelings change when a couple is going through a divorce and/or making end-of-marriage decisions. The unpaid spouse (or his/her attorney) will decide their efforts for the business had monetary value. For these reasons, married business owners will benefit from having defined roles and an agreed-upon compensation plan for each spouse.

6) Get a prenuptial agreement. Oops. Did I already say that?

7) If you find yourself going through a divorce, use a 3rd party, trusted, credible business valuator. Don’t haggle with your spouse (or your spouse’s attorney) about how to value the business or to value your spouse’s share or the community’s interest in that business. It’s not worth it. Arriving at an agreed-upon value for the business is one of the most contentious aspects for divorcing business owners. Spouses (and their attorneys) will have different ideas about what their unique personal contributions are worth, and this leads to vastly different opinions and deep divisions over a business’ perceived value. For example, one spouse might believe that without their industry relationships, a business would be nearly worthless. The other spouse may believe any intelligent businessperson could step into that role and carry on those relationships with the business operations in place.

Engaging a credentialed business valuator will (or should) reduce, if not eliminate these disagreements, and likely save time and additional legal fees. Yes, the business valuator will also charge for their time, but isn’t that worth it to get the valuation done right the first time and to feel secure that whatever is determined to be the community’s interest in this business is based on a thorough review of the business records by a qualified neutral expert (rather than by opposing attorneys)?

California, Nevada and Washington also include domestic partnerships under community property law. However, there are certain situations where a couple may be exempt from a community property law. Community property laws don’t apply to the following situations:

• The property was given to one spouse as a gift.
• One spouse inherited property during the marriage.
• One person received property through a will or trust.
• The property was acquired before the marriage began.
• The property was acquired while the spouses were legally separated and living separately.
• A VALID prenuptial or pre-marital agreement
• The property was purchased during the marriage using separate property funds (i.e. inherited money). You must be able to prove this and to be able to trace the funds to that separate property source.

In a long-term marriage; a marriage of more than 10 years, if you’re going through a divorce and live in a community state, most of your assets will be considered marital property.In the simplest of terms, division of community assets is 50/50. Parties to a divorce or termination of a domestic partnership, however, are free to negotiate a different type of division of their assets and debts and to memorialize that agreement into a marital settlement agreement and/or stipulated judgment.

When deciding about what to do with the house during a divorce, to be the one to get the house, to sell, or not to sell, keep in mind that the decision should not focus solely on value. You should also consider liquidity, cash flow and the cost of maintaining the asset once you own it. That can be a significant financial burden.

People sometimes (incorrectly) believe a “Quitclaim Deed” is enough to disclaim one spouse’s interest to another (example: Spouse 1 signs a quitclaim saying House is Spouse 2’s separate property). When dividing property at the time of divorce however, what we look at is the source of funds used to purchase the home and/or to make the monthly mortgage payments. If the community made the mortgage payments and the intent of the parties in signing that Quitclaim Deed is not clear, then the community acquires an interest in that property. That interest is then subject to division and reallocation at the time of divorce.

Consider an Interspousal Grant Deed instead, if your intent is to relinquish all interest in the property you are transferring to your spouse. The main difference between an interspousal transfer deed and a quitclaimdeed is that, when using a quitclaim, the spouse who is giving up their interest in the shared property may still be liable for the mortgage or other debts associated with the property. Always keep in mind however, that the bank – the mortgage holder – looks to whose name is on that loan. The bank is not a party to your prenup or impacted by whose name is on title when someone defaults on that loan. To be safe, to fully transfer a property from one spouse to the other, especially in the event of a divorce, the loan will need to be refinanced to include the right name on the debt.

An interspousal transfer gives full interest in the property to the transferee, whereas a quitclaim leaves the transferor still liable for any obligations related to the property, even though the transferor no longer has a residential interest in it.

I had a prenup “booth” at a bridal show recently and a bride-to-be’s mom snickered at me as she walked by and muttered under her breath that my presence at the bridal show was cynical. It’s a common misconception about prenups that having one is like thinking about divorce before you are even married yet. Couples often feel fearful of the prospect of raising the issue of a prenup before marriage and worry that broaching the subject with their fiancée will be taken as an insult or as a lack of trust. I get it. Honestly, it’s perfectly normal and common to think this way. This way of thinking however, is based on a lack of understanding of all the purposes and benefits of having a prenuptial agreement. Instead, the couple should know that protection of preexisting personal assets and protecting assets to be acquired in the future can have many advantages for both partners. A great example is keeping assets beyond the reach of creditors. There are quite a few more really good reasons to have a prenup that go far beyond “in preparation for divorce.”

View the prenuptial agreement with logic and not emotion. Love (emotion) may have inspired your decision to get married. But the act of legal marriage should also be part logical, since contracts are involved (Yes, marriage is a contract). A “prenup” is simply a natural extension of the marriage contract. It should not and does not imply that you love someone more or less. Distrustful parties may want to explore whether or not they should be getting married in the first place. (Yes, I know, that sounded cynical).

Prenuptial Agreements are tools to structure, classify, and control assets, which are particularly useful in California. In California, everything acquired during the marriage (including debt) is by default “Community Property.” AND, any contributions made during the marriage to the assets in existence prior to marriage, gives the community a monetary interest in those assets. For example, one party purchased a home before the date of marriage. It’s that party’s separate property. However, if mortgage payments are made during the marriage, the community will acquire an interest in that piece of separate property Prenuptials can also help reduce both yours and your spouse’s exposure to creditor liability if you bring existing debt to the marriage. Or, what if you are a business owner who, for whatever reason, defaults on a business loan. (think COVID …) Although you (or your business) are the only one that personally guarantees a loan, the Creditor may still go after your spouse’s assets as you have a community property interest in his/her assets.

Prenuptials can still provide terms in cases of divorce or milestones in the marriage and can also provide incentives to stay married. For example, your prenup can include a sliding scale: the longer the marriage, the more property your spouse will share in the entire estate. In the case of divorce, certain assets can already be agreed upon to be shared or divided. Otherwise, prenups can provide for separation of both assets and debts during marriage to protect against creditors. Or the prenup can include a “sunset” clause. i.e. that prenup automatically terminates after the parties have remained married for a certain number of years.

The details in a prenup are often an important record of what the marital assets are and what the individual assets are. Any couple who enters into a marriage with significant assets of their own – such as previously bought real estate, inherited money, education savings accounts, or a business – should spell out how these assets were acquired and what will be done with them during the marriage (not just what should be done in the event of a divorce). A prenup is always a good idea with respect to conscientious money management. In the same manner as one would plan for a vacation, your future child’s college fund, or your retirement savings– prenuptial agreements fall under the category of “planning for the future.”

• Bank accounts (name of banking institution, type of account, and account numbers)
• Financial statements
• Tax returns for at least the prior three years
• Investment / brokerage accounts and mutual funds
• Retirement (IRA, 401(k), etc.) and pension plans (both yours and your former spouse’s)
• Social Security benefits statements
• Employee (or self-employment) benefits coverage (health, dental, short-term disability and long-term disability for you and your former spouse)
• Military benefits
• Credit card statements
• Mortgage statements (including first and second mortgages and home equity credit)
• Car, boat and other loans
• Loans you or your spouse may have guaranteed
• Pending loan applications
• Lease agreements
• Purchase and sale agreements
• Employment agreements
• Partnership agreements
• Estate planning documents [Will, Living will, Powers of attorney, Trust documents (for trusts established by you or your spouse, and for trusts of which you are a beneficiary), Durable medical powers of attorney]
• Insurance coverage [Life insurance, Homeowner’s insurance, Umbrella liability, Car insurance, Long-term care insurance]

Want to save money on attorney’s fees and costs?

1) Hire an attorney – When you represent yourself, you increase the odds of screwing up your case exponentially. You will then have to hire an attorney to fix it. This will cost you more than hiring an attorney at the outset and getting your paper work done and filed right the first time.

2) Read the attorney’s retainer agreement very carefully. Note what you are being told in advance what the attorney will be billing you for, in what time increments and at what hourly rate. Then, keep that in mind every time you decide to call or email your lawyer. If you don’t understand your attorney’s billing practices or don’t understand or agree with something in her retainer agreement – ASK QUESTIONS before you sign.

3) Pick your battles. Consider what is worth fighting for. Don’t spend a lot of your attorney’s time talking about, drafting letters, or going to court on matters that are not worth the money or hassle. This includes fighting over property that isn’t worth what your lawyer will bill for the time it takes to fight over that property.

4) Do the leg work for your attorney. She needs years-worth of bank statements, of tax returns, of credit card statements? Get them and photocopy them for her. Get acquainted with file sharing apps such as Drop Box. At the outset of your case, ask your lawyer what she will need moving forward, then go ahead and get it even if it is not needed right away.

5) Your lawyer is not your therapist. Don’t spend a lot of time, or frankly any time, talking your lawyer’s ear off about emotional aspects of your divorce. Remember, California is a no-fault state. Long stories, or back stories do nothing for you or your divorce case and your lawyer is billing you for every minute you relay this information to him or her. Information related to domestic violence absolutely needs to be relayed to your lawyer. I’m not talking about that here. Also, the financial history of your relationship is also important. Again, that’s not what I’m talking about. Dwelling on the emotions and feelings that led to your desire to divorce in the first place, such as infidelity, or why your spouse is a jerk (or worse) is something to talk about with your friends or a therapist; not your lawyer.

6) Get up to speed with current technology. Be able to fax or scan documents. NOT PHOTOGRAPHING. Documents you send to your lawyer may ultimately be used as exhibits in court documents. Either invest in a good scanner/fax machine and learn how to create PDFs or find out where your nearest FedEx Office store is or Staples. If you can’t embrace the technology, then photocopy documents yourself and drop them off at your lawyer’s office. Your lawyer likely charges by the page for photocopying documents. The per page cost charged by your lawyer will no doubt be higher than the per page fee charged by Staples. Don’t rely on your cell phone for these tasks. The images taken with the cell phone camera or using a scanning/pdf app on your phone will create a document that is illegible when sent to your attorney and will not or cannot be used as an exhibit.

7) The more contentious your relationship with your spouse or partner, the more your divorce will cost. The back and forth haggling or sniping takes time, especially if you want your lawyer to relay these issues to the other party or his/her attorney. Let your lawyer do her job and assist you with negotiating a settlement as soon as practical.

1. Set Financial Goals.

You don’t have to have a lot of money to set financial goals. As a matter of fact, you don’t have to have any money at all. You just need to want to have money and decide where you want to be financially in five, ten or twenty years. Do you want to be able to buy a new house? Do you want to help put your kids through college? Do you want to be able to retire before you turn 102? All of these are (or could be) financial goals. Financially smart individuals not only make financial goals, but they also spend time working to achieve them.

2. Check Your Credit Reports/Scores Regularly.

When you are newly divorced, you need to make sure that the financial ties between you and your spouse really do get broken, and that your credit is not suffering because of his or her debts. Watching your credit report is the easiest way to do this. I speak from personal experience on this one. My ex’s financials were a train wreck. It didn’t reveal itself right away. It was a couple years after our divorce, when I tried to refinance the property that I was impacted by his low credit score and financial problems. His name was still on our HELOC and caused an impenetrable wall to getting approved for a new mortgage. The solution to that problem was to refi and absorb the HELOC so that it (and his connection to my financial life) disappeared.

3. Follow-Up On Divorce Retirement Benefits.

As part of my practice, I draft and file Qualified Domestic Relations Orders. It troubles me how many people wait years and years after their divorce to take care of this. Lots of people don’t realize this, but it takes more than a divorce judgment to transfer retirement benefits from your spouse to you. Most of the time it takes a special court order called a Qualified Domestic Relations Order to make the transfer actually happen. If you didn’t get that order entered at the time of your divorce, you must make sure that it gets entered as soon as possible after you’re divorced. Otherwise, you won’t ever receive the benefits you were supposed to get.

4. Make A Budget.

If you have just been through a divorce, you probably already made a budget. During the course of your divorce case, you (or your attorney) likely prepared an Income and Expense Declaration (Judicial Council Form FL150). If you completed this form, you have already put together a list of your income and expenses. That is your budget. You may have to tweak it a little bit, but most of your work is already done. If not, that form is freely downloadable from the court’s website.

5. Try to Live Within Your Means.

Once you make a budget, you have to live within it. Very likely, that will mean saying “no” to a lot of things you used to say “yes” to – including to your kids. If you look at that reality with anger and despair, you will suffer. If, however, you take your new financial reality as a challenge, set financial goals for yourself, and live within your means, you will soon find yourself rising up the financial ladder, instead of staying stuck on the bottom rung.

6. Be Mindful of and Manage Your Taxes Before They Are Due.

This applies mostly to people who have their own businesses and/or do not receive a regular paycheck from which taxes are taken. In those situations, if you have not been paying estimated taxes throughout the year, you have to pay all of the taxes on your income at one time, in April, when you file your income tax return. If you have been financially smart and saved a percentage of each source of monthly income, you will have no problem paying your taxes. If not, tax time will not be a good time for you! Heads up! Spousal support is taxable income. And, if your ex happens to be paying arrears (back child and/or spousal support), he/she can submit a Form 1099 for any interest accrued. Be prepared.

7. Understand Your Personal Finances.

You do not have to be a CPA or a financial planner to understand your personal finances. You just need to know a few simple things: What do you own? What is it worth? What do you owe? How much and to whom? That’s it. Write that information down and you have your own, personal balance sheet. From there, you can start planning your financial future from a place of knowledge and strength. This might be a good starting point for drafting an Estate Plan that includes a living trust and pour-over will. Keep all of this information in one place, such as a notebook that you keep in a specific place where it can be easily found.

8. Always Do A Cost/Benefit Analysis Before Taking Your Ex Back To Court.

Going to court is expensive. It also comes with no guarantees. You can spend a lot of time and money fighting in court and end up no better off than you were when you started. To keep the court system from sucking your finances dry, the best plan is to try to work out as much as you can with your ex outside of court. Only go back when you have no choice. Also, before you file anything in court, make sure that you have taken a good, hard look at the maximum amount you can possibly get by going to court, and the maximum amount you will have to pay to do that. Unless you stand to gain much more than you stand to lose, going back to court may not be worth the effort. Reasons you may be considering for taking your ex back to court include missed support payments. Note that a contempt order rarely results in you getting paid. If you are the one getting behind, GET ON TOP OF IT. Don’t wait. If you lost your job, get your support orders modified immediately. As long as an order exists, you are required to comply with it.

9. Contribute To Your Retirement Even When You Think They Can’t.

When you barely have enough money to pay your basic bills, saving money is the furthest thing from your mind. However, even if you can only put $5 a week in your retirement account, that will be a start. While contributing such a small amount may seem pointless, interest compounds. That means that even small contributions can result in big gains over time. Further, making any contribution gets you into the habit of being a saver. That is a financially smart move no matter what your current financial situation may be.

10. Be Generous.

What ?? Why would you give money to charity or share what you have when you have so little? The simple truth is that you get what you give. If you don’t have any money to share, share your time. Share your energy. Volunteer. Will doing that guarantee that someday you will be a millionaire? No. But it will make you feel better right now

Grandparents are often concerned about how their relationship with grandchildren will be impacted when parents divorce. Sometimes arranging visitation on an informal basis is not an option. In those cases, California Family Code provides opportunities for grandparents to formally request visitation with grandchildren under several different types of circumstances. (See for example, Family Code sections 3021, 3040–3041, 3100–3105, and 3120.)

The parents retain their Constitutional and legal rights to make decisions regarding the care, custody, and control of their children and if grounds exist, the parent(s) can object to a grandparent’s request for visitation. The U.S. Supreme Court has held that a family court may not grant visitation to a non parent over a parent’s objection without violating a parent’s constitutional rights, absent specific circumstances and procedures that ensure due process.

Before ordering grandparent visitation, the court makes a finding that the visitation would be in the child’s best interest. There is a rebuttable presumption affecting the burden of proof that the visitation of a grandparent is not in the child’s best interest if both parents agree that the grandparent should not be granted visitation rights. This presumption may be overcome by a finding that the best interest of the child is supported by such visitation, even over the wishes of two fit parents. This often occurs in the case where the child(ren) have an established bond and relationship with the grandparents that would be disrupted by a divorce if visitation rights are not granted to the Grandparents.

In some situations, even if the parents are married and not contemplating divorce, a grandparent may seek visitation.

If a court orders grandparent visitation under Family Code sections 3103 or 3104, it can allocate the grandparent’s visitation time between the parents for purposes of calculating guideline child support. The court may also order a parent or grandparent to pay to the other an amount of support for the child or grandchild. (See Fam. Code §§ 3103(g), 3104(i).) In such a situation, “support” means visitation-related costs such as transportation and basic expenses for the child or grandchild, such as medical expenses and daycare costs.

The legislature has plainly limited visitation rights in Family Code section 3104 to the parents of the mother or father of a child; thus great-grandparents are not entitled to standing under that statute to seek visitation with great-grandchildren.

It always amazes me how many people contact my office wondering whether they are divorced. You’re probably thinking what I’m always thinking: How could you NOT know whether or not you are divorced? 100% of these calls come from people who thought they could handle their divorce on their own, i.e. they were self-represented.

I recently got such a call. In October of 1986, he and his (thought-to-be) ex wife filed a joint petition for Dissolution. Unfortunately, that’s all either of them ever filed. They thought that was all that was needed. They didn’t know any better. He wants to retire now and reached out to Social Security and his Pension plan to find out what steps he needs to take to collect his benefits. Both entities requested proof that he divorced from his first wife. I say “first” wife because both he and (thought-to-be) ex wife remarried other folks some 20+ years ago. Guess what. He was never legally divorced from first wife. His second marriage is void (i.e. invalid) and he can’t collect his benefits until he fixes the problem.

Divorce isn’t that easy folks. Don’t go it alone. Get a lawyer to do it for you and to get it done properly the first time.

With so many celebrity marriages ending in divorce, the need for a prenuptial agreement is growing in significance. Part financial planning, part legal document and part romance-killer (allegedly), a prenuptial agreement isn’t just for wealthy folks and/or celebrities. Despite its reputation, there are actually some real benefits to having a prenuptial agreement.

1. You can protect your assets

Prenups protect assets, so they are excluded from the pot of assets on separation or divorce. They can also make specific provisions for what one party should receive on separation or divorce, thereby securing parties’ positions for the future. A prenup also avoids uncertainty and in turn disputes, providing reassurance that the parties are together for the right reasons and not simply because one is wealthy.

2. You can come clean

Prenups preserve the expectations of the parties and prevent surprises in the event of a divorce. For a prenup to stand the best chance of being enforced by the Court, there should be an exchange of full and frank disclosure between the parties prior to entering into the terms of the Agreement.

3. You can protect the financial stability of your children

Upon your death, a prenup may award certain property to your children instead of your surviving spouse. Consider that the surviving spouse can do what they wish with your property, including give it to their family or other children. I often recommend to my prenup clients that they return to my office after the honeymoon to draft an estate plan. Prenups do not protect from probate.

4. You can protect family assets or property acquired before the marriage

A prenup agreement may ensure that family heirlooms remain in your family by requiring that they be given to a named family member instead of your surviving spouse.

5. You can evenly distribute debts

Prenups can determine how liability for debts will be distributed between the partners. They can also help protect each party from issues with creditors.

Actually, there a lots more than just 5 reasons to say “I do”. If you are interested in learning more, please give us a call. A prenuptial agreement is a powerful, protective document for anyone who is contemplating marriage. Such an agreement can protect your interests and goals going into a marriage and ensures that an unsuccessful marriage does not permanently injure you or your family members.

New Family Code section in California effective as of January 1, 2019 allows the court to make orders regarding “custody” (aka ownership and/or temporary care orders) in dissolution proceedings.

New Family Code §2605 states that the court, at the request of a party to proceedings for dissolution of marriage or for legal separation of the parties, may enter a temporary order, while the case is pending, that a party is required to care for the family pet. The existence of an order providing for the care of a pet animal during the course of legal proceedings for dissolution of marriage or for legal separation of the parties shall not have any impact on the court’s final determination of ownership of the pet animal.

Further, at the request of either party, courts can now assign sole or joint ownership of a pet animal taking into consideration the care of the pet animal. “Care” includes, but is not limited to, the prevention of acts of harm or cruelty, as described in Section 597 of the Penal Code, and the provision of food, water, veterinary care, and safe and protected shelter.

“Pet animal” means any animal that is community property and kept as a household pet

Couples disagree about money more than any other subject. The time to discuss your financial plans, philosophies, and economic life together is before you get married. The prenuptial agreement enables couples to develop a financial plan for the marriage; not just with the current financial picture in mind, but well into the future where finances are not yet known. Prenups are a way to confront money issues, arrange your financial affairs and solve problems before the marriage starts.

Consider this; do you know how your partner views money? Do you know their spending habits, how they view wealth, what their lifestyle needs are, and how they plan to achieve them? Do you know how they view themselves and how they view their own spending habits?

Still can’t agree on whether to get a prenup? How about a compromise? Consider a “sunset clause”. A sunset clause is a paragraph included in the prenup that lays out when the prenup will no longer be valid. For example, your prenup can say that the entire agreement becomes null and void after 10 years of marriage (or 15, 20, or 25). Burt Reynolds and Lonnie Anderson had a sunset clause in their prenup that rendered the agreement null and void if they had a child together. Sunset clauses allow the parties to express the expectation in their prenup of a long and happy marriage while at the same time guarding against a short-lived marriage. A sunset clause can serve to terminate the entire agreement upon the happening of an event or after a certain number of years of marriage; or it can terminate only parts of the agreement.

A sunset clause is also a wise thing to consider when the future is not certain. Ten or 20 years into the marriage, your entire financial picture may have changed and your prenup may be antiquated or out of touch with your current situation. The economic picture of your marriage is ever-changing and will certainly be different on the date of marriage as compared to 10 years later.

Like it or not, a marriage is a contractual relationship. The prenuptial agreement provides the financial terms of that contract. In the process of negotiating the terms of a prenuptial agreement, the parties establish a structure for problem solving that forms a solid and secure basis for a mature and thriving marriage. In that way, you decrease the odds that your marriage ends in divorce simply by engaging in the process of negotiating the terms of your prenup. These agreements stimulate communication and compromise, enhancing the prospects for a happy and successful marriage. Two people can write their own deal at the beginning of the relationship, at a time when they are in love and looking out for each other.

These days, couples aren’t just bringing assets to a marriage. They are also saddled with debt. Prenups, which safeguard individual assets like retirement accounts, real estate and investments, can also cover one partner’s student loan or credit card debt. Generally speaking, prenups are an important consideration for older couples; those who come into the marriage with assets or debts; people who have children from prior relationships; and people who expect future significant income. You don’t have to enter a marriage with significant assets or a high paying job to benefit from a prenup. The prenup protects what you bring to the relationship and what you may acquire in the future. The process of negotiating a prenup promotes honesty and full disclosure which can strengthen the bond between you.

The belief that broaching the subject of a prenup or entering into a prenuptial agreement is unromantic and suggests you are banking on the marriage failing is an unfounded concern. Does drafting a Will or Estate Plan mean you are going to die sooner? Does having homeowner’s insurance mean you’re at greater risk of a disaster like a fire? Of course not. By the same token, a prenuptial agreement may be thought of as divorce insurance (without the monthly premium).

I recently had a custody trial during which almost 100% of the evidence introduced came from text messages and social media posts or comments. In this age of technology and social media, in divorce proceedings and custody cases, lawyers and investigators routinely check public social media sites and parties’ profiles (of the client’s and the client’s spouse or other parent). I use these sites to not only check in on the character of the opposing party, but I also use the sites to check in on my own client.

I had a case where Dad was pleading poverty and an inability to find work. His LinkedIn page however, told a different story. After a court ordered vocational evaluation, the court decided Dad had an earning capacity that far exceeded minimum wage and child support was ordered accordingly – whether he could afford to pay it or not.

This data is searched for signs of hidden assets or to catch the spouse in a significant lie. In my case, it was used to undermine the credibility of in-court testimony and to show a parent’s lesser ability to assume full custody of the minor children. In California, a no-fault state, lawyers are more likely to focus on issues related to finances and child custody rather than issues related to adultery or unsavory activities. Think of your computer as a tell-all device regarding your character, and in most cases, about your financial picture.

Of course, the data that can become publicly available depends largely on the individuals’ desire for privacy and how careful they are. Even those who value privacy during the relationship however, are at risk of the former spouse finding sensitive data.

The first steps taken after the divorce process begins can be critical. For example, you may want to change your passwords, create a new e-mail address/account, stop sharing calendars with your spouse or other parent (if applicable), and turn off location and other navigation tools when not in use, on your smart phones or devices or apps that can track your location.

Even with these precautions, always keep in mind that where there’s a will, there is a way. Anyone committed to finding information about a spouse can most likely find a way — although whether that information is admissible in court is a different inquiry all together. Security questions for releasing passwords to digital accounts, email and on-line banking, may need to be changed, especially if you use your mother’s maiden name or some other information from your past with which your spouse (or the other parent) has knowledge. Try coming up with untruthful answers to those same questions that no one else could guess. Just make sure you pick answers that you can remember.

Beware the aggressive and ethically questionable spouse who goes so far as to install malware on the other spouse’s or parent’s computer that can log keystrokes.

But there are also fully innocent and legal ways that a spouse can gain access to what was thought to be private data, especially among those lacking savvy with their technology. For example, a text message could go simultaneously to a phone and an iPad that was left with children or a former spouse, something many people forget or don’t know, especially if they didn’t set the devices up themselves. Think of the convenience of syncing devices, then think of the ramifications for anyone going through a divorce or engaged in a custody battle.

Evidence from social media can be a primary source for anyone who has a family law practice, for getting information not only to understand clients, but also to understand the dynamics of people on the other side of a case.

Another example – maybe one you didn’t consider – is the parent who has custody and claims to spend his/her day doting on and caring for the children. Their online activity however, can tell a different story whether it’s spending hours on-line shopping, viewing pornography, going onto on-line gaming sites (racking up debt with on-line gambling sites), or spending hours on social media sites.

Just remember, anything you put in a text or an email or post on a social media site, may one day be blown up onto a poster board and presented as evidence at a court hearing.

If you or the other parent wish to relocate with your child(ren) and you are seeking a move-away order, or if you and the other parent are in the process of a child custody battle, you may have been ordered to undergo a custody evaluation as part of the court process. There are two parts to this process – (1) the evaluation itself, during which you and the other parent and the children meet with the evaluator and the evaluator then comes up with her opinion regarding a parenting plan that is in the best interests of your child(ren); and (2) court room testimony.

Custody Evaluation

As you proceed through the evaluation, there are some important things to remember:

• Acknowledge both your strengths and your weaknesses as a parent.
• Be truthful in answering questions about your history and current situation.
• Answer only the question that’s asked, rather than using it as a jumping-off point to state your case.
• Acknowledge the benefits to your children of having positive relationships with both of their parents.
• Express your willingness to consider different custody and visitation arrangements, but clearly explain (once, not over and over again) why you prefer one over another.
• Keep your focus on your children’s well-being and what’s best for them.
• Follow up promptly and thoroughly if you’re asked to provide paperwork or information—for example, verification of employment or medical information about your children.
• Avoid saying any negative things about your spouse or the other parent. If you are asked about the other parent’s strengths and weaknesses as a parent, be as evenhanded as you can, and don’t dwell on either.
• Never ask the evaluator to advise you on how to deal with the other parent or with your children.
• Avoid coaching your kids about what to say or do. The evaluator will know.
• Absolutely do not be late or miss your appointment(s) with the evaluator.
• Never try to manipulate the evaluator.
• Remember, if there are custody orders already in place, they remain in effect and must be complied with while the evaluation is pending.
• Look at the evaluator as the person who may actually be able to help you and your spouse come to a better understanding of your children’s needs and your family’s best course of action.

What do you tell your kids before they meet with the evaluator?

I always tell my clients that if they are the parent who will be bringing the child(ren) to the evaluator (i.e. if that day happens to fall on my client’s custodial day), to make sure 1. They got a decent night’s sleep the night before; 2. They eat a good breakfast; 3. They are bathed, well-groomed and appropriately dressed. I also tend to advise parents to start the day with a happy and uplifting attitude. Your children may be frightened, nervous and/or confused by the evaluation process, and will wonder whether the decision will hinge on what they say. It isn’t necessary or helpful to tell your kids that you and the other parent are fighting over them, or that you and the other parent have a disagreement about how to care for them. But you can explain to them that the evaluator is trying to learn about the family, in order to help you and the other parent learn to parent together in a way that works.

Never coach your children about what to say, and especially don’t tell them to speak negatively about their other parent. Reassure them that all they need to do is to tell the truth.

Parents should always present themselves as reasonable, articulate, and flexible. They should cooperate with the evaluator, tell the truth, and focus on the children’s best interests. They should not interrupt, get angry or hostile, raise their voice, or cry. Try not to exhibit a negative attitude. Don’t fail to recognize any positive qualities in the other parent or perceive no room for improvement by the other parent. When it comes time to develop a parenting plan, there may be a range of choices from the best-case scenario and maximum time with the child down to what could be deemed a “nightmare the parent can live with.” If you are asked to come up with a proposal, think it through. Red flags in the parenting proposals include:

• Plans that are not well thought-out or fail to recognize the realities of their lifestyles
• Plans that don’t take into perspective the child’s point of view and developmental needs
• Plans that aren’t based in reality, like starting parenting duties at 3:00 pm when the parent works until 6:00 pm.

It is important that parents stick with the present, and not discuss a drinking history when the person has stopped drinking. They should list present facts, like attending AA, parenting classes or going to anger-management therapy.

And they should be prepared for what the other parent might claim is their weakness – and then give examples of how this has been dealt with.

The Custody Hearing

When it comes to seeking a move-away order, or the case is high conflict where custody is concerned, my first piece of advice is to not go it alone. Get an attorney. Period. If you must or otherwise insist on representing yourself, be aware you have the right to examine and cross-examine the custody evaluator on the stand after she has presented her opinions. If you are going to be your own lawyer, then you will need to think and act like one. Prepare your questions in advance and be sure to really listen to the responses that are given before you move on to the next question. Don’t get bogged down with sticking to your list of questions. An answer given, may raise a new question for you to ask.

Question the evaluator first about his or her background, education and training. Ask about whether he/she has a clinical practice and any practical experience – i.e. what percentage of her practice is devoted to providing therapy to children, to couples, to adolescents, and what percentage of the practice is devoted to conducting custody evaluations. How many evaluations are performed each year by this evaluator? Each month?

There are different types of custody evaluations. Depending on what the parties can afford, the court may order a full evaluation or a less than ideal one-day or half-day study. In that case, I recommend you question the evaluator regarding the value of her opinions in light of the limited time she had with the family before testifying in court about what parenting plan would be in the best interests of your child(ren). Find out what the evaluator relied on for her opinions – i.e. did the other parent provide character references from third parties? Did the evaluator conduct any testing? For example, if the evaluator used the MMPI (Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory-2), you may want to ask her if it is reasonably probable that results can be tainted or affected by the fact that the individual taking the exam knows they are being evaluated and/or judged and in this particular case, knows they are being evaluated for determining custody of their children?

Each case is different. Each family is different and the dynamics of each case are different. Being prepared for the evaluation, having the appropriate attitude and asking the right questions will engender an effective and hopefully insightful custody evaluation. And remember; make sure the parenting plan you want is realistic and in the best interests of your children.

What effect does breast feeding have on custody decisions? There is no hard and fast rule. There is no law which states that if a baby or child is still nursing, the other parent should not be awarded custody. That being said, arranging for the custody and care of very young children can be challenging because young children tend to need 24-hour supervision and are completely dependent on others to ensure their basic needs are met. In addition, parenting plans for young children must be revised frequently as their needs evolve rapidly; what worked for a 2-month-old isn’t going to work once that child enters preschool. Although both parents will probably want as much time as possible with their newborn or infant, the primary consideration must be how to best meet the baby’s needs. Because infants aged 0-6 months require one or more naps during the day and frequent night feedings (which may include breastfeeding), the general consensus is that “overnights” (where the infant stays with the non-custodial parent or non-primary caretaker overnight) should be postponed until the child no longer requires night feedings. The non-custodial parent should be provided the opportunity to bond with the child and take part in the child’s care, but not disrupt naps or feeding schedules.

The Los Angeles Superior Court Family Court Services suggests a visitation schedule that allows the non-residential parent two hours a day, three days per week.

For babies aged 7-12 months, it’s suggested that visits be bumped up to three hours a day, three days per week. Non-residential parents may also work up to a schedule that includes overnights, but only if it’s in the child’s best interests. When deciding whether overnights are appropriate, parents (and judges) should consider the child’s needs, including night feedings, and keep in mind that routines are essential in this early stage of development.

In developing plans for children as they move out of infancy, from 13 to 36 months, parents should consider a variety of factors, such as consistency and daily routines, night feedings, sleep issues, bottle weaning, toilet training and adjustments to daycare or preschool. Parents should try to avoid a plan that frequently disrupts a child’s routine.

The Los Angeles Superior court puts out an excellent resource on what factors to consider when creating parenting plans for children of all ages. Sample parenting plans for children ages 0-18: http://www.lacourt.org/selfhelp/familiesandchildren/SH_FM002.aspx